Winter creeps along with the existential dread of March 8, the day of my personal nuclear blast. I’ve lived to tell about it, but it altered everything in my everything for the rest of my life. Today the loss of John turns 12. I think there is something intrinsically powerful about 12. I’ve been thinking … Continue reading Turning 12.
40 Years of Gold
Forty years later and it is the golden light that I first remember. The first rush of memory shimmers gold. Autumn's late afternoon liquid gold of dappled sunshine; sinking sun; waving, glowing leaves. Those golden moments were the backdrop for the first moments I watched John. He was laughing with friends as I sat a … Continue reading 40 Years of Gold
Anchored. No matter what comes.
Hi there, friends, near and far. My last post was almost a year ago- When Time Just Won't Heal the Hurt . If you haven't read it, it will be helpful to check it out. It explains where I have been for a year. It's July now. I am almost at the end of a … Continue reading Anchored. No matter what comes.
When Time Just Won’t Heal the Hurt
I used to think that if I could sit on a beach, staring at the water for a long time (maybe a few months?), my grief would subside and eventually just float away. I'd stand up ready to move on with my life. But, life hasn't offered months at a time to dig my feet … Continue reading When Time Just Won’t Heal the Hurt
9 Years of Learning to Live Again
Today marks nine years of missing John. Nine years of learning how to live with grief. Nine years of learning how to navigate life as a single mom. Nine years of leaning into God for strength and endurance and hope and help and comfort. And He has been with me through every hour and every … Continue reading 9 Years of Learning to Live Again
Dance, Don’t Wrestle
I can feel it when it happens. Can you? A tense conversation begins to escalate and my strong emotions, my perspective, my concerns, my fears, all begin to fuel my desperation to be heard. To be understood. To appeal to reason. To prevail. And I wrestle. If it is someone I care for deeply, I … Continue reading Dance, Don’t Wrestle
If Your Christmas is Messy Like Mine
Messy and Christmas don't seem to go together. Adults don't have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. Oh no! Our visions are much, much loftier (and harder to attain): sparkling well-decorated homes; the yummiest of menus and treats; the perfect stack of brighly wrapped presents; peaceful, happy family moments. We want it all: … Continue reading If Your Christmas is Messy Like Mine
You Don’t Have To Fake It
Earlier this week, big problems and small annoyances were mounting up and irritating me, but the bigger issue was deeper. Underlying my frustration was the reality of being a widow. You see, the hardship of this journey is still the same as it was five years ago when it was fresh. Yes, I am more … Continue reading You Don’t Have To Fake It
Easter: Our Tears Meet Hope & Joy
Happy Easter, My Reading Friends! Every year I become more excited about celebrating this Holy Week! How could I face every day without the confident hope that death isn't the end? What would our family do without the peace that John is safe in God's care, and we will see him again? God has offered … Continue reading Easter: Our Tears Meet Hope & Joy
He Loves Us Back to Life
Last month, March 8 came around again and marked five years since John went to heaven. Five years is a long time to miss someone you love. Years ago, in our early days of dating and marriage, I feared losing John. I couldn't imagine life without him. The thought of experiencing a loss that great … Continue reading He Loves Us Back to Life
Stay in Today
You woke up today in what was your tomorrow. It is profoundly true; the future unfolds one day at a time. Methodically, rhythmically, always on time. We are getting to the future slowly but surely. There are times when it just can't get here fast enough because you are anticipating what is ahead. Like when there … Continue reading Stay in Today
Daring to Dream Again
Well, we are at the end of the first month of this new year and resolutions aren't quite as shiny. I don't typically make many new year resolutions. Since John died, my resolutions have been simple: "I am resolved, with God's sustaining grace, to keep putting one foot in front of the other for 365 … Continue reading Daring to Dream Again
Presence is the Best Present
No one prepared me for the anticipation of my adult children coming home. Giddy is the best word to describe how I felt during December. Giddy that my oldest, newlywed daughter and her husband were headed our way for six whole days! Cell phones and facetime are wonderful, but they can't compare to real live … Continue reading Presence is the Best Present
When You Need Some Holiday Comfort
The approaching holidays are a mixed bag of emotions. They are an intersection of excitement (time with my kids! and extended family!) and sorrow ( I have to do the holidays without John again?). It is simply bittersweet. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Because time may heal, but it doesn't forget. … Continue reading When You Need Some Holiday Comfort
Strength One Step At A Time
In March 0f 2012, my life as a widow was just beginning. With four children to continue raising, I was stunned with the realities of parenting alone, keeping a household running, making business decisions, and comforting our children in their loss. Life needed more from me than I had to give. Everywhere I looked there … Continue reading Strength One Step At A Time
Brokenness Doesn’t Define You
I wake up every day surrounded by broken pieces of a life I used to know. It isn't a novelty. After four years, I am familiar with this unexpected life that greets me each day. I am not alone. If you're an adult, you know brokenness- maybe in yourself or in someone you love. I … Continue reading Brokenness Doesn’t Define You
When Joy Seems Impossible: A Wedding Surprise
The summer of 2016 is now in the Carroll family record book: 2 graduations, 1 wedding, 3 wedding showers, 1 girl's month long journey to Bolivia, 4 birthdays, 2 vacations, 3 girls packed and moved to 3 different places and the grand finale: my son's baptism! All of this was just within our little family … Continue reading When Joy Seems Impossible: A Wedding Surprise
A Fire Hydrant of Joy
I am on a wild ride right now! Within two months we are celebrating my oldest daughter's college graduation and wedding, my third daughter's high school graduation, two graduation parties, two of my girls' birthdays, a few wedding showers, and a final family-of-five trip. Then, we are sending my second daughter to Bolivia for a month, … Continue reading A Fire Hydrant of Joy
Easter is My Every Day
Death isn't theoretical for me. It isn't the thing that "might happen one day..." A possible reality off in the mists of the future. It is in my bed. On my pillow. Everyday. The man I lived with every day for nearly 23 years- skin to skin and heart to heart and dream to dream … Continue reading Easter is My Every Day
Grief Grows Up
My grief is growing up. This week, on Tuesday, March 8, it turns four years old. I happen to be familiar with four year olds. A few years ago I persuaded my teenage daughter and son to help me lead the four year old class at our church. We are with them two Sundays each month. We … Continue reading Grief Grows Up
Christmas Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to be Peaceful
The house is quiet this morning. My four children nestled snug in their beds. Rain is hitting the window of my office as I type. All is cozy. Even though John isn't here with us, there is peace in my heart. I still marvel to find peace in my heart and mind; it is real and … Continue reading Christmas Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to be Peaceful
Umm, How Are You Doing?
It is a question I hear often, and every single time my brain gridlocks. The question is asked earnestly. People care. They genuinely want to know how we are doing- each of the kids, our new house, the upcoming holidays, and the status of my grief's healing process. I want to honor their question with … Continue reading Umm, How Are You Doing?
Travel Therapy
In the early months after John's death, I would have a Forrest Gump urge to start walking across the country, never stopping until my toes were in the chilly waters of the Pacific. Or, I'd daydream about driving, driving, driving across the country on an endless road trip in an endless summer. Chasing that glorious … Continue reading Travel Therapy
Goodbye & Hello
It has been three weeks since I walked out of our house for the final time. John and I never intended to move. We thought we'd grow old together there. I knew which room would be a nursery for our grandchildren. I could see the house full of our kids-turned-adults and their families. They'd come … Continue reading Goodbye & Hello
Brave (Enough)
Last fall, a friend told me she was writing a book and asked if she could tell a little of our story. I said yes. Then, she told me her vision for her book went even further. She was creating a companion DVD to accompany the book and wanted to have interviews of women's stories for … Continue reading Brave (Enough)
Moving Joy
Big news to share! Our house sold! It was put under contract several weeks ago. One of the best features of our contract: our closing is in August after we've moved into our new home. Did you hear that huge sigh of relief?! The thought of a double move was daunting. Now that I am … Continue reading Moving Joy
When You Don’t Know What to Say: Just Be There
It just keeps happening. Death keeps stalking. People continue to lose the people they love. Just this week: A husband and two teenage sons have to say goodbye to the wife and mom they adore. Parents lose a precious daughter who is off at camp for summer fun. Nine families in Charleston are reeling from … Continue reading When You Don’t Know What to Say: Just Be There
Home Goes With Us
Walking to the mailbox a few months ago, I had an epiphany. "I am not living the dream anymore." I announced it out loud. It was a clarifying, freeing moment as I let myself accept the reality of what my life is now. John and I moved to our home nearly 11 years ago. When … Continue reading Home Goes With Us
Family of Three Becomes Five Again!
We were all smiles as we poured the syrup on our pancakes, then held our glasses high to toast our school year together. We did it! We made it! A whole school year of just the three of us together. I was with my youngest two children (13, 17) as we celebrated at our favorite … Continue reading Family of Three Becomes Five Again!
Spending Time With John
At spring break, I looked at my calendar and realized my college daughters were coming home at the end of April. Yikes!! I had a sinking feeling. I had to get into high gear. No time to blog. The basement room where we store their college stuff (last year it was one daughter, this year … Continue reading Spending Time With John
What Do You REALLY Want?
What if Jesus came to you and asked, "What do you want me to do for you?" I was amazed this week to notice that he actually asked two blind men that question. The men heard that Jesus was coming down the road, and so they began shouting, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on … Continue reading What Do You REALLY Want?
Three Years: Our Kids’ Perspectives
Arriving at the three year mark has felt different than the previous two years. It has reminded me of the days when our children were babies, and we had to transition from saying they were "weeks old" to "months old" to "years old." Some of you will know what I am talking about. Someone would … Continue reading Three Years: Our Kids’ Perspectives
When Anxiety Tugs
One day last week, we held hands and they prayed for me. My youngest and my oldest and me. A triangle of three. Her hands were delicate, his were strong. They have needed me for years. Last week it was my turn. I simply needed them to pray for me. Because parts of last week … Continue reading When Anxiety Tugs
Of Frozen Pipes & The Ultimate Thaw
We’ve had snow this week and school has been out. I am always torn when snow days come: be productive or indulgent? Like a sled crazily veering off and on a path, I am conflicted about how to use the unexpected freedom. Hammer away at a neglected project- there are so many? Play a game? … Continue reading Of Frozen Pipes & The Ultimate Thaw
A New Love List
It's Valentines week and our minds gravitate to the one we love. I think about the reasons I fell in love with John and continued to fall more in love with him over time. Love lists grows longer as you do life together: the beautiful (new babies), the stressful (moving & job changes), and the ordinary … Continue reading A New Love List
Love Even Goes Here
As I told you in my last post, it took me two years to decide what to put on John's marker. It wasn't a task to rush through for the sake of "getting it done." I wanted to be completely sure about its appearance and wording. Grave markers aren't something you return. Knowing that I … Continue reading Love Even Goes Here
We Go Nowhere By Accident
Of all the things in life to procrastinate, designing your grave marker is at the top of the list. And so I did. For almost two years. There was a simple marker at John's grave with his name, but it was temporary. I was supposed to design a permanent one for us in the first … Continue reading We Go Nowhere By Accident
Welcome in. Again.
Ok. I know. I disobeyed the cardinal rule of blogging: post consistently. I am sorry. You all are so wonderful and supportive that I know you will be quick to say, "it's okay! There's no pressure!" Thank you for that. But, there has actually been a reason. When you're traveling and get close to your … Continue reading Welcome in. Again.
New Year Jitters
First things first, I hope all of you had a very merry Christmas with family and friends. I was reminded again this year of how much I treasure the gift of Christ more than ever. What would I do without Him? How would I breathe and function in our loss if I didn't have the … Continue reading New Year Jitters
Help Along the Way
Hi there everybody- I hope your to-do lists are getting shorter! I hope to post again before Christmas, but in case I miss you: Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family and friends. No gift given and no gift received can ever top the gift we are celebrating: Jesus Christ! … Continue reading Help Along the Way
Finding Christmas Joy When You’re Afraid It May Be Lost
This is our third Christmas without John. A few weeks ago I was in Walmart and saw all of the Christmas displays and was blindsided by grief. Thankfully, it was early in the morning and the store was vacant. The soap and deodorant aisle bore witness to my tears as I stood there venting to … Continue reading Finding Christmas Joy When You’re Afraid It May Be Lost
Only He Can Do This
Have you ever had a breakfast that almost turned into lunch? It happened to me this week when I met another widow for breakfast. We left the restaurant close to noon. : ) She is decades ahead of me on this journey. Oh how I hope to have the vitality and energy and sparkle she … Continue reading Only He Can Do This
Thanksgiving Thoughts
Happy Thanksgiving to You & Your Families! I am thankful for you new friends. I know some of you but many of you are new to me this Thanksgiving. Your geography is vast- all over the world, which means turkey and cranberries and family may not be part of your day. But, whoever you are … Continue reading Thanksgiving Thoughts
A Loss so Big in a Heart so Young
... She Misses Her Momma I just realized. When Dad died, I lost not only a father but also a mother. Mom is an incredible woman and I respect and admire her more and more every day. But she is not the same woman I used to know. She has to pay the bills, fix … Continue reading A Loss so Big in a Heart so Young
Teen Love Can Last
Yes, it is true. John & I are proof that you can meet the love of your life at 15 or 16. That is how old we were 31 years ago today when John & I met on a yellow school bus. We had been at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes event at UVA with … Continue reading Teen Love Can Last
Essentials
As you've probably noticed by now, I talk a lot about God. John did too. I am not a theologian. I am simply a woman who is increasingly captivated by God as He comforts and carries me through profound loss. His presence in my life amazes me. Some of you have a vibrant relationship with … Continue reading Essentials
Speaking Honestly about Grief
Grief is a riddle. What is invisible to everyone else, but you can't escape? Grief. It is awkward to be a mourner disguised in normalcy. I think that maybe our culture shouldn't have discarded the tradition of wearing black during the first few months of mourning. I wouldn't have minded it because it would have made … Continue reading Speaking Honestly about Grief
A Story with a Different Ending
Jay and Katherine Wolf are on the other side of our story. In 2008 Katherine had a catastrophic brain stem stroke, very similar to John's, but she survived. She was 26 years old and the young mom of a 6 month old baby boy. Their story is heartbreaking and inspiring. Jay's commitment to love and Katherine's willingness … Continue reading A Story with a Different Ending
Living the Vows
They are the unwelcome words at a wedding. Those five words, “until death do us part." On a day of beginnings, when death and separation are furthest from our minds, those words barge in. Like in a fairytale, when a vengeful fairy crashes the royal wedding with a curse of doom. Entirely unwelcome. Yet, entirely … Continue reading Living the Vows
Grace & Grief Meet
Over the next few days, we pieced together what had happened to John. It was a beautiful spring afternoon, and he stopped by the university on his way home to go for a run. Security camera videos show him walking out of the gym into brilliant afternoon sunlight. Several people saw him on the jogging … Continue reading Grace & Grief Meet
The Day Life Changed
John had disappeared. For several hours we had been trying to retrace his steps. I knew something was very wrong because he left his downtown office late in the afternoon but never came home for dinner. It had been one of those teamwork nights for us: me at a meeting, him planning to come home from … Continue reading The Day Life Changed
Our Story: A Preface
You are brave. Really. Because I know our story is uncomfortable. It is everyone’s nightmare and awakens all kinds of fears that lurk in your mind. I understand because I used to be afraid of people like me and their stories. So, I don’t take your willingness to venture close for granted. From the outside … Continue reading Our Story: A Preface
A Journey of 2 1/2 Years
Today it has been two and a half years since I ate breakfast with John and our kids, kissed him at the door, and watched him walk to his car: shoulders full of briefcase, lunch, dry cleaning, and gym bag. Such an ordinary day. Little did we know we were saying goodbye. In the early … Continue reading A Journey of 2 1/2 Years
